Month: November 2017

I watched a football match between Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur, two north London clubs. There was some crowd trouble outside the stadium after the game and there was a photograph circulating on social media of a baby’s high chair soaring through the air.

Someone was using it as a missile but thankfully they had the good sense to take the child out of it first.

I saw another football game on the telly between Chelsea and West Ham. It was played in London and when Chelsea scored a goal, the players ran to celebrate near the touch line. Suddenly, this big, bald guy jumped over the advertising hoarding and made a run at Eden Hazard who had scored the goal for Chelsea.

The security guys were quick off the mark and they grabbed him but they had a struggle before they led him away. What struck me about him was the fact that he appeared to be so angry. He was behaving very aggressively towards the player as the stewards battled to restrain him.

He was shouting something and pointing at Hazard as if he wanted to kill him. Hazards only offence, as far as I could see, was that he scored a goal in a football match.

The other thing that stuck out for me was that this character is no spring chicken. As it turned out, he is 51 years of age and he was arrested on suspicion of pitch encroachment. I’m not sure why they put in the ‘suspicion’ bit.

He was seen by about 50,000 supporters at the game and a few million viewers on the TV. There would appear to be very little doubt that he is guilty of encroachment at least and maybe a couple of other things as well.

He was referred to by the media as a supporter, which is a bit of an insult to regular football fans who go to matches week in and week out and behave themselves. I would prefer to call him a hooligan and I suspect that West Ham and their genuine supporters would be happier if he took his support elsewhere.

In a separate incident, an Everton supporter was captured on TV trying to punch a player from the opposing team when they gathered near the advertising hoarding. He reached out over the hoarding and swung his arm at the player while holding a child in his other arm. Kind of brings babysitting to a whole new level.

Football is secondary to most of these characters. Thankfully he was identified and banned from attending further games. He’s not the only culprit either. So far, this season, West Ham have banned 97 fans for bad behaviour.

Football hooliganism was a huge issue back in the seventies in England. I can remember as a teenager going to a Leeds United match in 1972 and being terrified at the scenes I witnessed on the way to the stadium. Hundreds of fans from both sides were squaring up to each other and all the shop fronts were boarded up to protect the windows.

The violence that I experienced that day was really frightening but I thought that those days were long gone. That may not be the case.

Most of us find it difficult to understand this type of carry-on but one infamous English hooligan, Andy Nicholls, has written five books about football violence. He has admitted being an active football hooligan for 30 years while following Everton Football Club. He was classified as a Category C risk to the authorities which is the highest classification you can get.

He’s proud to have served prison sentences for his involvement in hooliganism and for being deported from countries all over Europe. He also boasts of being banned from attending football matches at home and abroad more times than he can remember. He says that he loved every minute of it.

“I have done most things in life—stayed in the best hotels all over the world, drunk the finest champagne and taken most drugs available. Nothing, however, comes close to being in your own mob when it goes off at the match, and I mean nothing.”

According to Nicholls, “We were there when you could get hurt—hurt very badly, sometimes even killed. Yes, it happened; on occasions, we killed each other. Football hooliganism in my day was a scary pastime.”

“There were also the times we spent following England, the craziest days of our lives. Up to 5,000 mindless thugs visiting and basically pillaging and dismantling European cities, leaving horrified locals to rebuild in time for our next visit.”
I suspect that most of us will struggle to understand that mentality. I dislike calling these guys fans because really, they are nothing but thugs and for them, the football is just incidental.

I heard it said one time that football is a gentleman’s game watched by thugs, while rugby is a thug’s game watched by gentlemen. There is no comparison between the supporters of both codes and why there should be such a vast difference in the way they behave is difficult to explain.

In rugby, for example, the referee is treated with respect. He is referred to as sir, his word is law and his decisions are not contested. In football, every time the referee blows his whistle he is surrounded by players all trying to influence his decision. The linesmen are also regularly subjected to abuse from players and others sitting on the benches.

Owen Farrell walked into a pub in Dublin after Saracens had defeated Munster in the semi-final of the European Cup. The pub was full of Munster fans who appreciated the great game that Farrell had played so they gave him a standing ovation.

Now, they’re the real fans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Chinese tourist was visiting Switzerland a few months ago and he fancied a drop of vintage Scotch whisky. So, he went into the hotel bar and had one and it cost him nearly €8,000. He didn’t even get to keep the bottle for that, he only had one drink.

The tourist was a millionaire so presumably the price didn’t bother him. He spotted the bottle of 1878 Macallan single malt behind the counter and decided that would do him. If the bottle was genuine, it would have carried a bar-value of €250,000. But it wasn’t.

The tourist and the hotel manager were photographed together with the bottle and suspicions were raised when whisky experts spotted discrepancies in the bottle’s cork and label. Tests later proved that the Scotch was distilled after 1970, almost one hundred years later than the year stated on the label.

The bottle had been in the hotel for about twenty-five years and it appears to have been a genuine mistake. The hotel reimbursed the customer in full and all’s well again. So maybe it doesn’t pay to be a connoisseur.

I’m very partial to a pint of Guinness, I like the taste of it. I don’t know how it’s made and I haven’t a clue about hops or barley. I have no idea what temperature the mixture needs to be at or how long it takes to ferment.

I do know that you don’t want to be drinking it if it has been sitting around since Italia 90 not to mind 1878. That wouldn’t be good for the internal organs.

If you don’t get a nice pint, you shouldn’t drink it because the consequences could be unpleasant. Fortunately, there are a couple of tell-tale signs that should alert your senses to the possibility that the pint is dodgy. The first might seem obvious but it’s the taste. The first mouthful of a bad pint should send a message directly to the brain. An experienced stout drinker will get it straight away.

The second sign is in the appearance. A good pint will leave rings on the glass as you drink it. If the glass looks as if it has just come out of a dishwasher while you are still drinking, then you have probably left it too late. It’s time to prepare for a dicky tummy and a bit of quality time on the loo. Make sure your phone is fully charged.

Best advice, if you’re not sure about it, is to leave it alone and have a pint of beer instead. One of the unfortunate aspects of being a stout drinker is that you must have your homework done before you go for a pint. Gather the local intelligence and select the right pub first.

For all that though, it’s not rocket science. Just find a bar that serves a decent pint and make it your home. Chances are that there will be other like-minded souls occupying the stools there who have also done their groundwork.

That got me thinking about wine drinkers and how they manage. On the face of it, choosing a wine seems like a complicated business. There are even people trained professionally, Sommeliers, to help you choose your wine and to make sure you don’t use the wrong wine with your food. Heaven forbid.

I was in Slovakia one time and I was brought to a well-known establishment for a wine tasting session. Session is probably not the right word, but you know what I mean.

The wines we tasted were apparently, top of the range. There was a ritual we had to follow. We had to raise the glass and look at it, hold it up to our nose and smell it, put it up to the light and look at it some more. Then slurp it, swill it around in the mouth, make some funny noises and then swallow. Then pour what’s left into a small bucket and rinse out the glass to be ready for the next round.

I got nothing out of the experience. There wasn’t any single outstanding wine for me and to be honest, it all tasted the same. I was a little concerned though for all the wine that was in the bucket. It seemed a waste to be pouring it down a drain.
Wine is a serious business but there is a huge amount of snobbery attached to it.

I’m not convinced that you need to know what country the grapes come from or how they were squashed before you buy a bottle. What difference does it make whether they were squeezed by hand or stamped on by a heap of maidens dancing barefoot as long as they washed their hands and didn’t have athletes foot.

Does it really need to be locked away in a darkened cellar in Transylvania for a thousand years before it tastes good? Is there really such a huge difference between a cork and a screw on cap? Will we wither and die if the red wine is chilled and the white is served at room temperature? Quite possibly, according to the wine gurus.

There is something very irritating about watching these people in action especially when they love to hear themselves. At the end of the day you beat some grapes to a pulp and pour the juice into a bottle and stick a fancy label on it. How complicated can that be?

Wine drinkers could make life a lot easier for themselves by going to a pub for a decent pint of stout. It comes in one colour, it won’t be covered in dust and cobwebs and you get more in your glass.

If you want to make a noise, you can belch when you’re finished and that’s perfectly acceptable.

On March 3rd, I logged onto the Cork County Council website and that time I found the website impossible to navigate and it kept sending me around in circles. I was advised that Corporate Affairs were working on a redesign and they hoped to have the new version online the following week.

That same day, I spoke to Mr. Paraig Lynch, Municipal District Officer, Cobh Municipal District. He advised me that the new website would be available shortly and the minutes of the district meetings as far back as 2014 would be included on the site.

I logged into the Cork County Council website this morning, 17th November 2017, and I found that not much has changed. I typed in “Cobh and Glanmire Municipal District Minutes” and I was given the option to examine ‘Raising Awareness’ or ‘Creative Ireland’. That wasn’t very helpful.

I did some more searching and I came up with the following:

Municipal District Meeting of West Cork (Minutes & Agenda)
Municipal District Meeting of Kanturk-Mallow (Minutes, Agenda to Follow)
Municipal District Meeting of Ballincollig-Carrigaline & Minutes Annual meeting July 2017 BallincolligCarrigaline MD
Municipal District Meeting of Ballincollig-Carrigaline (Agenda & Minutes)
Municipal District Meeting of Blarney-Macroom (Minutes)
Municipal District Meeting of Bandon-Kinsale (Minutes)
Municipal District Meeting of Fermoy (Minutes)

I couldn’t find anything for Cobh apart from a list of the local representatives.

Some councils have the ability to put their minutes online but it seems to be a bridge too far for Cobh. Even though Mr. Paraig Lynch insisted that “the new website would be available shortly and the minutes of the meetings as far back as 2014 would be available”, it hasn’t happened.

It’s difficult to understand how it can take a year to upload the minutes of a meeting onto a website. But that’s the story so far and as we approach 2018 it’s unlikely to change any time soon.

Cobh Municipal District Council prefers to act as a secret society and is determined to keep the rest of us in the dark. Maybe they have nothing to say in which case it might be time for a change.

Big Brother is a reality show that appears on TV from time to time. It is basically a programme about a bunch of people who are sent to live together in the same house and they’re filmed for twenty-four hours a day. The only privacy they have is when they go to the bathroom.

They’re given various tasks and they must compete against each other. Then they get on each other’s nerves and fight amongst themselves until they are voted out of the house, one at a time by the public, until only the winner is left.

In the early years, the winners gained a certain celebrity status and ended up making a decent living for themselves as a result but I don’t know if this is still the case. The first couple of shows were entertaining but after that they became a bit repetitive and predictable and I lost interest.

Recently, I discovered that there is a Celebrity Big Brother show on our screens. As the name suggests, the contestants are celebrities as opposed to ordinary mortals. But when I looked at the names of the people taking part, I couldn’t recognise anyone.

Sarah Harding, Trisha Paytas, Amelia Lily, Jemma Lucy, Paul Danan, Jordan Davies, Helen Lederer, Sandi Bogle, Brandi Glanville, Shaun Williamson, Marissa Jade, Derek Acorah, Dawn Ward, Chad Johnson, Sam Thompson and Rosanna Davison are some of the celebrity names.

Who are these people? I read a lot and I like to keep up with what’s going on in the world but these names meant nothing to me so who has determined that these people are celebrities?

Lord Snowdon, Princess Margaret’s former husband, died recently at the age of 86. He was a famous photographer in his own right and was probably best known for his photographs of the rich and famous including Jack Nicholson, Elizabeth Taylor, David Bowie, Laurence Olivier, Marlene Dietrich and thousands more.

In his heyday, he socialised with the Beatles, Peter Sellers and many other stars of the stage and screen. His life was punctuated with affairs and stories of over indulgence in alcohol and drugs, but throughout it all he maintained a close connection with the Royal Family. This helped to enhance his own celebrity and he eventually became as well-known as those he photographed.

He was a guy who knew what a celebrity was because he was very much a part of that whole scene so he must have despaired at how much things had changed. There are many who fill our screens and newspapers now that are classed as celebrities and as far as I can tell, they’re no more famous than my broken lawnmower.

There is one family kicking up a storm in the celebrity world and that’s the Kardashians. One of them is Kim and to the best of my knowledge, she first came to the attention of Joe public because of her friendship with Paris Hilton.

Hilton was only famous because her dad owned a few hotels and she was getting attention because she had too much money and was behaving like a spoiled brat. Kardashian was her pal so she was getting noticed too.

Kim Kardashian grew up and got married and now she and her strange husband, are treated like royalty wherever they go. They have the power to bring traffic to a complete standstill when they are in town.

She dominated the headlines again recently when she announced that she is expecting her third child and she can grab the attention of nations with her pronouncements: ‘White is actually one of my favourite colours. I have a white car. I love white.’

I saw footage of Mr. West leaving his hotel and he was trying to cover his face so that he wouldn’t be recognised. As far as I’m concerned, he needn’t have bothered because if he walked up to my front door and rang the bell I wouldn’t know him.

When I think of celebrities, I think of The Kennedys, Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, Frank Sinatra, Madonna and Pele. They earned celebrity status because they were in the public eye for ever and they did something that was notable in some way. Not always for the right reasons either like the late Oliver Reed and Richard Harris.

They both had reputations for being heavy drinkers and hell raisers but they were very talented actors behind it all. People wanted to see them and wanted to be seen with them and that is a true test of celebrity status.

So, maybe social media is responsible for creating this mock fame. Anyone can take a selfie or post a video of themselves on YouTube. Add some clever marketing and it’s possible to create a high profile even if your only talent is picking your nose.

It can’t be easy trying to be a celebrity if nobody knows who you are and it’s not ideal pretending to be famous if you have to be introduced to everyone you meet. But it works for some.

So, I’m going to have a go at it. As and from today, I’m claiming celebrity status for myself. I am well known within my family circle and a few of my neighbours know me. I hang around with the rich and famous too, like Tommy Tiernan.

Well, actually, we shared a flight a few years ago and he was sitting a few rows ahead of me. I did meet Charlie Haughey though.

I’m available for public appearances for a modest fee but feel free to take photos of me whenever you see me out and about. You can approach me for an autograph or just to shake my famous hand.

Don’t take any notice when I tell you to get lost, that’s only for show.

 

 

My three-year old grandson, Cooper, has introduced me to Fireman Sam over the last couple of years and we have watched quite a bit of it on TV together. So much of it in fact, that there are times when I find myself humming the signature tune when I’m out in public.

A man of a certain age, singing songs from children’s TV programmes, while walking along the street, is guaranteed to get himself noticed. And not in a good way.

Not everybody likes him though. Fireman Sam is 30 years old this year and London Fire Brigade Commissioner, Dany Cotton, says that there’s “no such thing as a fireman” and that it’s time to “shake off outdated language”. On the cartoon’s 30th birthday, London’s first female commissioner has called on its creators to bring Sam up to date.

She said she has written to the makers of ‘Fireman Sam’ and asked them to reconsider naming him ‘Firefighter Sam’ to join in on the inclusive nature. She likes the fact that it’s a cartoon that educates people and helps children learn about the dangers of fire. But she would like him to come on board and be called ‘Firefighter Sam’.

Ms. Cotton surely has more pressing matters to attend to than the trials and tribulations of an animated fireman, fireperson or firefighter. I would have thought that pouring cold water on a children’s cartoon is hardly a burning issue for the fire chief. (Sorry, couldn’t resist it).

Having said that, children’s programmes are big business.
Fireman Sam is an animated children’s programme set in a fictional village in Wales, called Pontypandy and Sam is the local hero. There are many other characters in the show but the rest of the village is made up mainly of a shop, a café and some houses with a population of about fifty.

Pontypandy is not a safe place to live in. In fact, it’s one of the most dangerous villages on the Planet and it’s always on fire but nobody ever dies despite all the carnage.

Sam’s boss, Station Officer Steele, is useless but thinks he’s great. Not unlike some bosses I’ve come across in my time.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself that this poor guy is losing his marbles if he spends his days watching cartoons. But there’s method in my madness and I’ll tell you why.

According to Dr. Laurel Steinberg, a New York based psychotherapist, kids’ cartoons can be a support treatment for people suffering from stress because they incorporate themes like community order, friendship, family and teamwork. The fact that good always wins over evil and the sun will always shine tomorrow is a positive message.

That can help to restore optimism and give someone a break from worrying or feeling sad, all of which can elevate their mood. Some cartoons can also be educational and can teach kids to count or say the alphabet. Dr. Steinberg also believes that cartoons can reduce anxiety and depression.

Not only are cartoons good for your health, but they also provide an additional benefit. They can substantially increase the size of your bank balance. Fireman Sam has been translated into twenty-five languages and is shown in over 40 countries and is making a pot load of money for the creators.

Peppa Pig, is another cartoon that features a little female pig. Peppa lives with her younger brother George, and her parents, Daddy and Mammy Pig. Their favourite past-time is jumping in muddy puddles. They look a bit strange and not a lot happens in the episodes but Cooper loves it.

He’s obviously not the only one because Peppa is a global brand. In 2015 the three guys who created her sold 70% of their company for nearly £150 million and last year it was predicted that the cartoon was on its way to becoming a £1.4bn global brand as TV and merchandise sales took off in the US, France and Asia.

But by far, Coopers favourite programme is ‘Ryan’s Toy Review.’ Ryan is a six- year old boy who lives in America with his parents. They film him as he opens boxes of toys and plays with them. It is a very simple formula. The kid plays with different toys while the parents record his activities and then the videos are uploaded to YouTube.

They started doing this in 2015 and already it is the fastest growing channel on YouTube and he now has an estimated net worth of something in the region of $18 million.

It all started when Ryan was watching similar videos and he asked his parents why he wasn’t on TV like the other kids? So, they decided to give it a go. They saw it as a bit of fun and a great way for them to spend some time together as a family.

They soon realised they were getting a lot of hits on the Internet and in no time, they were attracting millions of viewers. In less than two years they have achieved well over 11 billion views. Not bad for a high school chemistry teacher and a structural engineer with no prior experience on YouTube.

It seems incredible that such a simple idea could prove to be so popular and such a money spinner. Ryan is like kids everywhere, he loves playing with toys. The only difference here is that his parents film him doing it and instead of playing with his friends, he’s playing with those toys for an online audience of millions. Ryan’s toy reviews are so popular that he was the second biggest channel on YouTube by March 2016.

That’s given me an idea. I have the camera and a few bits of Lego, now I just need Cooper to cooperate.